Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
99% of all statistics are made up.
With Alzheimers you get new friends every day.
Get a new phone, plug it in, and press redial to freak it out!
Can't think of anything that would make your life more difficult? Congress
Ever notice how justice always prevails in the end? Neither did I.
Drugs have taught our kids the metric system.
We got what it takes to take what you got! -IRS
I had a brilliant idea last night, but I didn't like it.
Experience is the worst teacher. It gives the test first and
You're my psychic, friend, YOU tell ME my credit card number.
You're invited to a sack race in the minefield.
Alex, I'll take, 'Things Only I know' for $1000 please.
If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I don't want the world. I just want your half.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
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