WELCOME TO THE HUMOR SECTION!
Go to:
Jokes
Funny Questions
Funny Sayings
BACK to the Humor Section
BACK to the Homepage
Jokes:
Sleepy Mr. Jones
The Amish and the Elevator
The Lady and the Duck
The Magic Frog
Barroom Bets
Jesus is Watching
The Steinburgs's Bris
Ten-Dollar Hand Job
Hunting Moose
Ways to
annoy your Public Bathroom Stallmate
The Zen Master
Sleepy Mr. Jones
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at her church. "Reverend", she said, "I have a problem. My husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing you know. What should I do?" "I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this needle with you. I'll be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion you, I want you to give him a good poke in the leg with the pin." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...and who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mr. Jones as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the needle. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Once again, the minister noticed. "Who is your creator?" he asked the audience, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" cried out Mr. Jones as he was struck again with the needle. "Right again, Mr. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon. Before long, Mr. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to wake her husband again. She had just stucked her husband with the needle again when the minister asked, "...and what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mr. Jones shrieked, "You stick that god-damned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!" The sermon was over.
back to the top!
The Amish and the Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father, never having seen an elevator responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
back to the top!
The Lady and the Duck
A lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Soon, the town drunk staggered into the bar. He saw the lady and said "Whaddaya doing with the pig?"
The lady jumps up offended and says, "I will have you know this a duck, not a pig."
The drunk replies "I was talking to the duck"
back to the top!
The Magic Frog
A family is driving home from thier vacation. As they are driving the husband spots a frog on the road and puts on the brakes. He gets out and carries the frog over to the side of the road. The frog is so grateful that he tells the man that he will grant him one wish. The man says,"I wish that my dog would win the next race." The frog asks to see the dog. When the dog jumps out of the car, the frog notices the dog only has three legs. He says,"Sorry, its almost impossible to fulfill your wish. You'll have to make another one." The man says,"Well, let my wife win the next beauty contest." The frog then asks to see the wife. When he sees the wife the frog says,"Could I please have another look at the dog?"
back to the top!
Barroom Bets
A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says,"I'll bet you $100 that i can fill that shot glass at the end of the bar up with my urine." The bartender, seeing an easy way to make $100, agrees. The man then pisses all over the bar and the bartender, but doesn't even come close to hitting the glass. After he finished, the bartender happily asks for his money and the man happily hands over $100 to the bartender. Confused, the bartender says "Why are you so happy?" The man replies "See those guys at the booth? I bet them each $500 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would be happy about it!"
back to the top!
Jesus is Watching
A robber enters a home while no one is there. He goes into the bedroom and starts searching
through drawers when he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you"
He slowly looks around and doesn't see anybody and proceeds to look through more drawers.
Once again he hears the voice "Jesus is watching you"
He shines his light around the room and
sees a parrot watching him.
He says, "Are you talking to me?"
The bird replies "Jesus is watching you"
The robber in confusion says, "So is your name Jesus or what?"
The parrot replies "No, my name is Barney"
The robber replies "Who in the world would be stupid enough to name a bird Barney?"
The parrot says "The same people who named that Rottweiler over there Jesus!"
back to the top!
The Steinburgs's Bris
The Steinburgs decided to hold a bris for their son, but were shocked when the rabbi quoted them a
fee of $135. "Too much," they said, and went to a moyel, who wanted $125.
"Too much," they said, and decided to do it themselves, getting out a big knife.
Two minutes later, they said, "Too much."
back to the top!
Ten-Dollar Hand Job
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the
three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
back to the top!
Hunting Moose
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both
manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off." "That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!" "Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"
They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?" One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year..."
back to the top!