DI Script version 2.3

Bill (37)
Ted (31)
Bad Agent (21)
Evil Fred (7)
Monkey on the Mountain (6)
Assorted Monkeys (5)
Dumb Monkey (5)
Smart Monkey (5)
Fat Lady (3)
Narrator Monkey (2)
Flight Attendant (2)
Laryngitis Man (1)
Armless Kid (1)
Assorted Bunnys (1)
Corrupt Ned (1)
Airline Dude (1)
Innocent Bystander (1)
Voice (1)
Chauffeur (1)

Scene 1: The Beginning of an Epic
Cast:  Assorted Monkeys (5)
 Narrator Monkey (2)
 Evil Fred (1)
 Corrupt Ned (1)
 Bad Agent (1)
(Narrator Monkey sits in the corner of the stage, closest to the audience)
Narrator Monkey: Gather round and I shall tell you a tale, of the evil Fred and our heroes, Bill and Ted.  It started way back in history… with an ancient order of wise monkeys
Narrator Monkey: the wise ones knew the world was getting too evil.  To balance this evil, they constructed a machine, to contain the evil until something could be done about it…
Monkeys: ahmahgahmashahmalahmasomaramaganma…
(remove structure part one)
(pass it relay style, place on base)
Monkeys: ahmahgahmashahmalahmasomaramaganma…
(remove structure part two)
(pass it relay style, place on base)
Monkeys: ahmahgahmashahmalahmasomaramaganma…
(remove structure part three)
(pass it relay style, place on base)
(Narrator Monkey walks by, holds sign “2001”)
(2 wise monkeys sit around playing patty-cake)
(a loud banging sound is heard)
(Evil Fred and Bad Agent burst on the scene)
Monkeys: Oh no! Its evil Fred! How did he escape from Corrupt Ned?!
(Corrupt Ned runs by, grinning with bag of cash)
Corrupt Ned: I couldn’t help it!
(Bad Agent shoots the 2 wise monkeys)
Evil Fred: Now I am in control! I shall place so much EVIL upon this structure that I will tip the balance in my favor! MUAHAHAHAHAH… Now that the two wise monkeys are dead, the only one who possesses the knowledge to stop me is the Monkey on the Mountain. You must stop anyone who is trying to visit him for help.
Bad Agent: okay

Scene 2: Monkey Business
Cast: Dumb Monkey (4)
 Smart Monkey (3)
(Monkeys are eating bananas)
Dumb Monkey: Oh darn it! Evil Fred possesses the balance-o-rama, our two wise sages have been killed, and the precious balance between good and evil will be destroyed! The world is doomed, doomed! Doomed! DOOMED!
Smart Monkey: Oh for goodness sakes! Shush. Evil Fred is an idiot. He has forgotten that we possess the oh-so-powerful Osama Bin, laden with magic. We can just get it and generate more structure parts to build a new structure.
Dumb Monkey: Good idea.
(Monkeys approach container, start chanting…)
Smart Monkey: ahmasamagamaramalama
Dumb Monkey: aomoahbbbbhh
Smart Monkey: No, you can’t do this while eating! Gimme that!
(Grabs bananas from Dumb Monkey)
(Smart Monkey puts bananas aside, whilst Dumb Monkey finishes banana, tosses peel to floor)
(Smart Monkey comes back, slips on banana peel, and falls on the structure container)
Dumb Monkey: Oohh… Look what you did!

Scene 3: Monkeys, Bunnys and Moneys
Cast:  Bill (3)
 Smart Monkey (2)
 Dumb Monkey (1)
 Bunnies (1)
(opens with Dumb Monkey, Smart Monkey, Bill making gestures, as if they were talking to each other)
Smart Monkey: Yeah, we saw your ad.
(Dumb Monkey holds up newspaper, with large full-page ad “Bill the Freelance Private Investigator. Solve any crime, guaranteed.”)
Smart Monkey: You already know what you are supposed to do, so here’s some money, now go find out how to save the world. If you don’t we’ll come back and kill you.
Dumb Monkey: Thank you, goodbye.
Bill: Oh shoot. I should never have put out that full-page ad. Now I am in a pickle, what am I to do?
(Bill sits down on chair, gets sleepy...falls onto floor…falls asleep...)
(bunnies run in and dance around)
Bunnies: yakibuku, yakibuku, lalalala
(Bill wanders around in a daze)
(after a few seconds, Bill wakes up)
Bill: whoa… my head hurts… I wonder what that dream meant
(Bill looks down to see a big sign on shirt says “Visit the monkey on the mountain!”)
Bill: what the… what a weird dream… well I better get to solving this crime, or those monkeys are gonna come back and kill me. I’ll pay a visit to my chum, Ted.

Scene 4: Enter the Dragon
Cast: Ted (5)
Bill (5)

(Ted takes hat and pieces out of box and begins to assemble it)
Ted: Hey, Bill!
Bill: Hey Ted… what are you working on, my eccentric friend?
Ted: I call it, the “Swiss Army Hat”
Bill: What the…
Ted: See, this hat can do everything…
(presses a button and an umbrella pops out)
Bill: Well… that seems like a… uh… nice invention…
Ted: Any new crimes that need to be solved?
Bill: Hey Ted, what do you know about monkeys?
Ted: nothing…
Bill: good enough!
(Bill grabs Ted and they go off stage)

Scene 5: Thanks for Flying United
Cast:  Ted (2)
 Bill (2)
 Airline Dude (1)
 Bad Agent (1)
Ted: Well, I think that your dream was trying to tell you where the Monkey on the Mountain lives.
Bill: Huh?
Ted: The Mountain of Yakibuku is where crazy old hermits go to hide from society… It’s the perfect place for a creep named “Monkey on the Mountain”
Bill: Well… I guess that sounds logical… Two tickets to the Mountain of Yakibuku please.
Airline Dude: okay
Bad Agent: one ticket… (dramatical pause) to the Mountain of Yakibuku!

Scene 6: Air Rage
Cast:  Ted (6)
 Bad Agent (5)
 Bill (4)
 Fat Lady (3)
 Flight Attendant (2)
 Innocent Bystander (1)
(There are four tiny seats, Innocent Bystander is sitting next to Ted, sits on Bill’s lap, Fat Lady takes up 1½ seats)
Bill: Man, these seats are small.
Ted: Yeah, I really hate economy size.
Fat Lady: Excuse me, your hat is in my face.
Ted: Excuse me, your butt is in my chair.
Fat Lady: Well I never!
(turns away, offended)
Bad Agent: Could you help me with my luggage?
Fat Lady: sure…
(Fat Lady gets up to help Bad Agent)
(Bad Agent knocks Fat Lady out and sits in her chair)
(Bill turns around, and looks at bad agent)
Ted: Wow, this airline food must be good for dieting.
Bad Agent: uh yeah, sure
(Ted sits back in seat)
(Bad Agent pulls out wicked looking assassination tool)
Ted: What’s that?
Bad Agent: my… uh… luggage
Ted (to Bill): hey, I’ll trade you seats
(Bad Agent aims and fires a poison dart which flies over Ted and hits Innocent Bystander)
Innocent Bystander: argh
Bill: That’s no mysterious looking lady! It’s an assassin!
Ted: oh no!
(Bill and Ted run)
Bad Agent: come back here
Bill: Gimmie your head, Ted
Flight Attendant: Please return to your seats, as we will be landing soon, barring any sudden explosions.
(Bill yanks a stick out of Ted’s hat and starts to fight with Bad Agent)
Flight attendant: Could you three please return to your seats?
(Bad Agent shoves Flight Attendant into the bathroom and locks door)
Bad Agent: You are no match for me.
Bill: But I’ve got my trusty sidekick, Ted!
(Bill and Ted push Bad Agent out of plane with “three step takedown”)

Scene 7: Meeting, Shmeeting
Cast:  Ted (3)
 Bill (2)
 Bad Agent (2)
 Voice (1)
 Laryngitis Man (1)
 Armless Kid (1)
Voice (from off stage): flight from Los Angeles now arriving, barring any mechanical malfunctions
(Bill and Ted walk off the stage, Laryngitis Man and Armless Kid approach)
Laryngitis Man: I can’t speak. Please help me to support my family.
Armless Kid: I lost my arms to a horrible accident involving llamas. Please help me.
(Armless Kid pulls out arms and extends a cup)
(Ted and Bill lose all their money and run out.)
(Bad Agent, with an arm in a sling, holds a sign reading “Bill and Ted”)
Bill: Hey! I didn’t know someone was coming to pick us up
Ted: Neither did I.
Bad Agent: Hey, you two are late for your uh... meeting.
Bill: What meeting?
Ted: He looks awfully familiar
Bad Agent: Hurry, hurry, you two are late.
Ted: Ok, let’s go with that shady man

Scene 8: Grand Theft Auto
Cast: Bill (9)
 Bad Agent (8)
 Ted (7)
 Chauffeur (1)
(Ted and Bill are in Bad Agent’s car)
Ted: aren’t we supposed to be saving the world?
Bill: hush Ted, we are on our way to a very important meeting
(Chauffeur and Bad Agent break into a song and dance routine… possibly a guest appearance from Evil Fred)
Bill: That was strange and random.
Ted: Well, I still want to save the world.
Bad Agent: No you don’t. We’ll pay you not too.
(Ted starts looking out window and not paying attention)
Bill: What?
Bad Agent: How’s one million dollars sound?
(opens a briefcase full of money)
Ted: Hey, candy shop! STOP! STOP!
Bad Agent: Huh?
(Ted starts freaking out)
Bill: We better stop before he turns homicidal.
Bad Agent: Okay, but if we give you candy, you have to go home afterwards and forget about saving the world.
Bill: well…
Bad Agent: Okay, okay go get candy.
(Ted jumps out of the car and runs to candy store… Bill and Bad Agent follow)
(Ted comes out with a whole load of candy, Bill and Bad agent both have some)
Ted: Don’t you think this person looks familiar?
Bad Agent: No
Bill: Hey, it’s that deranged assassin we pushed out of the airplane! RUN TED!
(they push Bad Agent down)
(Bill jumps into driver’s seat and tosses Chauffeur out)
Bad Agent: Get back here!
(car starts putting away slowly)
Bill: how come this won’t go faster?
Ted: switch the gear!
Bill: does this R mean really fast?
Ted: I think so!
(Bad Agent runs up behind the car)
(the car backs up over Bad Agent)
Bad Agent: Argh
Bill: whoops…
(Bill and Ted sit there and look out the window for a second)
Bill: Oh, I get it! R is for reverse! D is for drive! Duh!
(Ted grabs Bad Agent’s candy)
(Bill and Ted drive off)

Scene 9: The Monkey on the Mountain
Cast: Bill (7)
 Monkey on the Mountain (3)
 Ted (2)
 Bad Agent (1)
(Bill and Ted walk in with mountain climbing gear)
Ted: Well, this is the top of Mt. Yakibuku
(they put ice picks back into Ted’s hat)
(Bill puts backpack down and peeks out from behind rock)
Bill: Look!
(Monkey on the Mountain is sitting on a throne on other side of the stage)
(Bad Agent, with crutches and many bandages appears and sneaks up behind Ted)
Bill: Throw me my bag Ted! Let’s go!
(Ted picks up bag and accidentally hits Bad Agent with it)
Bad Agent: I’m getting really bad at this
(falls to his death
Ted: sorry! Ooo… that’s gonna leave a mark…
(takes first aid kit out of hat and throws a band aid down)
(Bill and Ted go up to monkey on mountain)
Monkey on the Mountain: To the top of mount yakibuku you have come…seek wisdom, do you not? Ooohh aaaah aaah!
(Ted sits down and eats candy bar)
Bill: I’m Bill and this is my trusty sidekick, Ted.  These two monkeys came to my house and hired me out to stop Evil Fred from destroying the world.  Then I had this weird dream that told me to visit you.
(Monkey on the Mountain thinks for a bit)
Monkey on the Mountain: Stop Evil Fred you must.  Take this spare parts container you will.  Fix the balance-o-rama you shall.  Ooohh aaaah aaah!
Bill: But where do I find the balance-o-rama?
Monkey on the Mountain: Take this map you shall. (gives him map)
Bill: wow thanks… how can we thank you?
(Monkey on the Mountain coughs and holds out hand for tip)
(Bill shakes his hand)
Bill: no charge? Thanks, Monkey on the Mountain!
(Monkey on the Mountain coughs some more)
Bill: I think he wants to shake your hand, Ted
(Ted shakes his hand)
(Monkey on Mountain groans in exasperation and watches them leave)

Scene: 10: High Noon at the Okie Dokie Corral
Cast:  Evil Fred (6)
 Ted (6)
 Bill (5)
 Bad Agent (3)
 Monkey on the Mountain (3)
(at this point the structure should be broken)
(Bad Agent is in almost full body cast with crutches)
Evil Fred: mwahahahaha now that the balance of good and evil has been broken, I can take over the world!
Bill: Not so fast Evil Fred!
Ted: We’ve come to stop your evil ways!
Evil Fred: get him!
Bill: It’s that psychotic assassin we’ve killed three times already! Why won’t you die?
(Bad Agent pulls out a gun)
(Ted pulls out camera with flash bulb attached to hat)
Ted: Say cheese!
Bad Agent: cheese
Bad Agent: Argh, I can’t see anything!
(Bill does cheezy, cliché kung fu kick and disarms Bad Agent)
Ted: Catch, Bill!
(throws spare parts container, but hits Bad Agent)
Bad Agent: ow
(Bad Agent falls down, unconscious)
Bill: You’re done for, Evil Fred!
Evil Fred: Don’t hurt me!
Ted: He’s right! We can’t hurt him! We aren’t real law enforcement officers! He’ll sue us if we lay a finger on him!
Evil Fred: That’s right my helmet wearing friend, besides, I’ve learned my lesson and I feel bad.
Bill: Well…
Ted: Hey!  As the World Spins By is on!
Evil Fred: It is?  That’s my favorite soap opera!
(Ted pulls out a T.V. and hooks it up to his helmet, which has two antenna in it)
(T.V. spews out soap operaish stuff)
(Monkey on the Mountain enters)
Monkey on the Mountain: hello?  Fixed already is the structure?
(looks at the structure)
Monkey on the Mountain: Bill! Ted! Fixed the structure you have not!  Save the world you must!
Bill: hush!  I want to know who Maria’s estranged sister is!
Evil Fred: I bet it’s Susan!
Ted: No way!
(Monkey on the Mountain groans)
Monkey on the Mountain: Lousy bums they are… Get paid, they will not… New structure I must build.
(picks up spare parts structure and starts to build a new structure)